Into the Valley: A Parody
by Fallennightwings
Summary: Takakura narrates: The villagers embark on a quest Into the Valley to make all of their dearest wishes come true! But trouble lurks in the Valley, like "wolves," and even if their wishes come true, will they be happy? Loose crack parody of Into the Woods.


Into the Valley

Disclaimer: I do not own _Harvest Moon: DS _by Natsume or _Into the Woods_ by Stephen Sondheim and friends. xDD I hope you enjoy the crack fic that is Into the Valley!

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A long time ago, in a galaxy-er, town-far away, there lived a young, innocent, and pure-hearted girl named Celia. Celia wished, more than anything in the world, more than life even, to attend King Thomas' Harvest Festival and dance before the Prince. As she scrubbed the floor of her aunt's house, she silently expressed her wish as her tears mixed with soap bubbles. She knew that her aunt would never let her go, but still, she wouldn't let her wish die.

_Mother wouldn't want me to lose hope for my wishes!_ Celia thought. She touched her mother's locket that hung around her neck lovingly and returned to her work with a new optimism.

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Meanwhile, in another part of the village, a young man called Rock sulked in his room in the Inner Inn, petting and talking to his faithful pet cow, Chocolate Brown. While his mother was out shopping, Rock smuggled the old cow into his room and hid her there. Rock was a fantasist and spent all of his free time (which was every waking moment of his day) dreaming of cheese fondue, becoming rich, and catching the eye of a little girl who skipped along the path to the village's spring every day. He sighed and patted his cow. However, Rock's absentminded reverie ended abruptly as his mother flung open his door.

"Shit," he muttered. "Here it comes…"

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And in yet another area of the quiet town, there lived a Farmer, Jack, and his wife Nami. He was a successful young farmer and she was a former traveler, and at first sight, the two fell in love. The couple had been married for a few seasons now, and had tried in vain to have a child.

"Sweetie, are your love points high enough?"

"Yes, Jack, of course they are. But then again, I'm still recovering from your awful gift of grape jelly you gave me the other day," Nami scoffed as her blue eyes flashed angrily.

"Oh. Oops. Sorry, dear," the Farmer apologized sheepishly. Nami couldn't help but soften her gaze and smile at her beloved husband.

"I wish…more than the moon…to have a child with you, my dearest Jack," whispered the Farmer's Wife as she let him hold her in an embrace.

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"Celia!" cackled her aunt Vesta. Vesta was her father's sister and had been a great beauty in her day. Unfortunately for her, her day was long since over. Ever since Celia's mother died and her father had thrown himself to the evil cows in the Mineral Town mine, the poor girl was thrown around to different family members. Because the young girl was frail, it was decided that she would live near the Valley with its soothing bodies of water. After her parents' deaths, baby Celia was sent to live with her paternal grandparents, Nina and Galen. There she lived until she turned seven, when old ladybug hat Nina croaked. Her grandfather was so distraught that he jumped off of the mountain on which they lived and landed on an assortment of boulders (suicide ran in her family). With nowhere else to turn, little Celia was sent to live with Vesta and her two lovely daughters, Muffy and Karen. The two were pretty in face, but vain and vile in heart, and they enjoyed nothing more than forcing their cousin to do menial tasks for them.

"Like, Celia, go fetch me some necklaces and my skin cream; no, not the crap stuff from the mine! I have to look, like, even more beautiful for the Festival, like, you know?" Muffy demanded as she fluffed her long blonde hair. The farm girl nodded and murmured,

"Yes, cousin…"

"Oh, and bring back some booze while you're at it!" burped Karen. "And hurry up, we're leaving soon!" Celia brightened up as she heard "we" and asked,

"May I go? I want nothing more than to go to the Festival!"

Her cousins laughed until they cried at Celia's plea. They scoffed at her some more and left her in the ashes to tell their mother.

Celia's aunt doubled over with laughter when she heard her daughters' retelling of Celia's wish.

"Darling, look at you! You're not even dressed well enough for the birds to appreciate! But, since I am a kind and caring woman, I'll make a deal with you-pick all of the tomato seeds out of the ashes in this bowl, and you shall accompany us to the Festival."

The lovely farm girl beamed.

"Yes, right away, Mother!"

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Rock's mother, Ruby, was an unpleasant person and not at all beautiful like Celia's cousins. She nagged, was very large, and had an unhealthy high blood pressure that often made her irritable.

"ROCK! WITH YOUR FATHER NOT BACK FROM TOWN, I NEED YOU TO STEP UP AND TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY! I EXPECT YOU TO GET OFF YOUR SORRY BLOND ASS AND DO SOME WORK AROUND HERE! FOR THE GODDESS'S SAKE, STOP SLACKING OFF!"

Rock, who was used to his mother's yelling, was not paying attention as usual. _Well, _he thought, _at least she hasn't said anything about-_

"AND GET THAT GODDAMN COW OUT OF THIS ROOM BEFORE IT CRAPS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"

_Busted!_ thought Rock, a little miffed.

"I SHOULD KILL THAT DARN COW AND MAKE HER INTO A TACO!"

"Mom. That taco's grease could kill you," the boy said calmly. Not that he'd mind much, of course. Until, he realized, that he'd have to operate the Inn alone. _Never mind._

"THAT WORTHLESS COW DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH GREASE IN IT TO KILL ANYTHING! IT'S USELESS, JUST LIKE YOU, YOU STUPID BOY! THAT COW DOESN'T GIVE ANY MILK, JUST LIKE YOU DON'T BRING HOME ANY MONEY!"

_Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah,_ he thought throughout his mother's tirade.

"THAT'S THE FINAL STRAW! ROCK, GO INTO MINERAL TOWN AND SELL THAT COW FOR THE HIGHEST PRICE YOU CAN GET FOR HER! AND LOOK FOR YOUR FATHER WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!" cried Ruby, a vein popping in her head.

Poor Rock was shocked when he heard his mother's furious proposition.

"Mo-om," he whined, "Chocolate Brown is like, my BFFL. We can't be separated!"

"WHAT THE FIRETRUCK IS A 'BFFL?'"

"Hello, mother? 'Best friend for life?' Geez, you're square," he answered.

"SON, DON'T GET FRESH WITH ME! NO GO INTO THE VALLEY AND **SELL THAT COW!**" And so Ruby flung both boy and cow out the door to start their journey.

Outside, the boy scratched his head and sighed.

"Yes, mother."

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jack had tried to console his wife with a gift of grapes, when all of a sudden, his dog Woofy got in the way and he tripped.

"WAAAAUGH!" cried the Farmer as he fell. The fruit fell on the ground and disappeared.

"Great," muttered Jack. "There goes one friend point with absolutely EVERYONE in the Valley…"

However, the accidental fall prompted a sudden puff of black and purple smoke to materialize in the house, and out of it popped the Witch Princess, who started to cackle maniacally. Nami and Jack looked at each other, not knowing whether to be frightened of their guest or to point and laugh at how stupid she looked bursting out of a random smoldering cloud.

"Ahahahahaha! You've discarded ten items from your pocket, and now you get this useless present! Do what you like with it, except masturbate with it. That's just weird." She handed the Farmer a photograph and disappeared. Nami's mouth was agape.

"What was THAT about?" she questioned. Her husband was too busy studying the photograph.

"What the hell is this supposed to be of, anyway?" suddenly, the puff of smoke re-materialized and out popped the Witch Princess again.

"Whoops, sorry. I forgot what I came here for."

"What do you want with us?" the Farmer's Wife asked, clinging to her husband, who was still attempting to discern what was in the Witch Princess' photograph. Annoyed, she swatted the present out of his hands.

"Do you want to know why you cannot have children?" she asked, her mouth twisted in a menacing grin.

"How…how do you know this, Witch Princess?" the Farmer inquired with fists clenched.

"Well, one, I fly over the town every night to cause mischief, and I can hear your attempts. Boy, how I would have liked to join in!"

Nami blushed as red as her hair, and Jack coughed slightly.

"And two, the main reason is because I laid an enchantment upon your family! Bwahahahahahahahaha!"

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And so, I Takakura, will end this chapter with a cliffhanger! Hahaha!

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Author's Note: This is my first fanfic in nearly three years. Wow. ; I hope you guys enjoy it, because this is going to be one hell of a musical crack fic. See you in chapter two!


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